The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot.

When a kid says, "Daddy, I want mommy," that's the kid version of, "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

It's weird being the same age as old people.

Just once I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.

If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think... "That can't be accurate?!"

Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages... Metamucil and Ensure.

You know you are getting old when "friends with benefits" means having someone who can drive at night.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails.

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile, I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

For those of you that don't want Alexa listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version. It doesn't listen to anything.

I just got a present labeled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know darn well Dad has no idea what's inside.

Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.